dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
