hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
