roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
