The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
