One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
