we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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