dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
