Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
