He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
