I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
