Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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