Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
