I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
