I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
