I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
