do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
