I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
