I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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