I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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