hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Randomize
