dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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