i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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