Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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