note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm passing your future prison.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize
