My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
And then my night got REAL pukey
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
