I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Randomize
