i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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