Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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