The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
