I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
