I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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