Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Hippo gnu deer
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
