so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
