i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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