I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
