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I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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