Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
