She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
