I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
