Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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