when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Found the puke drawer
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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