in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
