we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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