This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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