I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
