Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
