Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Michael Bay diarrhea
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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