trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
