i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
