I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
