I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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