Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Randomize
