You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
