On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
