The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
