Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
