I will die if light touches me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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