69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just forgot I was standing up.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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